Rambling

Im not sure if im suffering from "writers block" or what the deal is.....It's taken me so long to get to this point, which really is'nt to far.
When i began this "little" project, i had a book in mind....now im not so sure that what i have to share is all that informitive in the scheem of the MS world.
When i began i personaly knew of three other people with MS. There were also alot of people who knew someone with it.
When i was diagnosed, i really dont think i had an inkling of what this sentance would  mean for me. It's kinda like when your a kid and your parents tell you they are getting a divorce. Initialy when mine told me i was like that guy in the bilge of the Valdeze in Water world when the smoker throws a match down the hatch. The old man charged with keeping track of the oil levels sees this and blurts out "Oh Thank God" But then your world changes in ways you were'nt prepaired for "like it or not" its so "not fair." No, no its not, it's not fucking fair at all.....but its gonna happen none the less. So i chose southern Cal with my Pa. I figured id go where the women "put out" (at 14) It was gonna be like i was an Elk, i was gonna have a new Doe like every week..lol. What i thought was gonna happen and what actually transpired were two entirely different things. There was SOME goings on with the "Hot Bettys" but nothing near what i had invisioned for myself. Aim High i always say.
When i showed up for my first neuro appointment amongst other things i was givin a book about MS. "This an owners manual?" "You could say that" i began thumbing through it "It tells of different symptoms and ways to deal with each." I constantly had my nose in that book looking for the term that matched the symptom i was going thru. I remember seemed like everytime i cracked that book open, it always opened to the wheelchair section "Buuuullllshit!" i would always verbalize and rush my way to other chapters.
At that time Facebook was just in the "Welp" stage of the Dragon it was to become. I was able to get in communication with a friend whose woman i lerned had had the diseise as well...Although we had never had a face to face conversation, she became sorta my "Goto Betty" i was always asking questions about syptoms, mental trash, booze, Medical Marjahootchee etc. etc...
It was alarming to find out she and as i found out later a ton of other folks go unmedicated, the reasons are usually, insurance is the bigest one,  MS is super spendy, or the Medications dont work the way they should or like myself were down to using the possible death by brain infection inducing Tysabri and unlike myself said "Fuck that noise." And insted choosing an alturnative approach using things like DIET, fish  oil, massive doses of vitimin D and a grip of other homieopathic remodys.
The course of my Multipal sclerosis has pitted me up against most of the immidiate people in my life. Wife, two older sons and my 4 year old does'nt really have any choice but to be "Part of the crew, part of the ship"....or however it goes. Im at worlds end with Jack Sparow. "NOBODY MOVE!! I lost me brain....."
Friends have always been apart of my own personal ecosystem. I've always held my friendships in high reguard, atleast as best as this dude could. There have been times that my thinking became all fucked up and i actually screwd over a few as well. Not a bunch but the few that i have, at there perspective times, i did so with the quality like i was a pro.
Now i spend alot of my time alone podering the ugly inventory of rotton things i've visited upon others. When i break all those situations, it forces me to believe : This is how life has returned the black magic ive manifested in my time here. The Universe has always had a way of keeping it's own enventory on all of its creations.So it should be no supprise that the "Great spirit put mein this chair. Is it his way of saying "You need to have a seat and look around....see what you aint beenseeing!!! Get your head out of them tree's and think about some shit!!!"

The Eve of the Last Walk.

Ironic that my Mom would give me a present for Mothers Day. She brought me a Willow branch walking stick she erned at a fund raiser of some sort. "Here honey this is for you. I thought you could use it to help keep you from falling down." She had herd my many tails of traveling all the way to the earth unaided.
As much as i hated seeing myself using the thing it really was exacly what i needed. And then some.
I wanted nothing more than to stay on the coutch at home. But i also really wanted to spend that day with my family. I honestly believed whole heartedly that this was my last day. I was getting the needle the next day.
Tysabri and all the signatures i had thrown down saying i understood the risks associated with the drug. "One in a thousand...." i just knew that i was going to be that one that got the rare brain infection and "bought it."
I really took time to absorb all aspects of that day. The conversations, the Mothers Day brunch, the smells from the kitchen, the way the food tasted, the extra warmth and light the sun offered that morning.
As at most Mothers day breakfasts many different generations were present. From the anchent and honery to my todler who is also quite capable of letting one know how its gonna be. But there was no issues with anyone that morning. Alot of our thoughts were with my wifes aunt who passed away that winter scuba diving.
Agian the word legacy came to my mind. In a conversation with Sunny her daughter i remember the topic of being proud of her mom. "She may be gone but atleast she left a surreal amout of legacy in her wake. I mean you had to turn away a giant line at her viewing after like 4 hours of visiters." It was really more like 6 or 7 hours. There were so many people you would have thought Elvis passed agian. Cindy had touched so many peoples lives on so many different levels. So much that people were willing to wait like 2 hours to have that final conversation with her.
Seeing that many folks show up really put things in perspective (once agian) for I thought about all the places i had been and all the different people i met. Even if i had put a sweet taste in all there mouths, without a dbout it still would'nt come any where near the amout of people lined up to see Cindy [off].